i looked around the internet for the right word to encapsulate how i've been feeling for the past few months. i was originally under the impression that it was malaise, but it turns out that malaise is tied to physical illness. despondent was close but i don't think i'm there yet. turns out the word is melancholy, "a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression." or "the condition of having too much black bile, considered in ancient and medieval medicine to cause gloominess and depression." i like the second def'. i can picture myself, eyes at half mast as black ooze slowly pours out of my mouth like a lethargic zombie. but call it what ever you like i've been feeling pretty shitty for a pretty long time. it's honestly hard for me to write this, the thought that people will treat me with kid gloves, like i may break into tears or something bothers me. that, "hey, you all right?" is both endearing and some what upsetting. also i've always felt like my role in my particular group of friends is the console-r not the console-y. i would hate to think that if i know someone that needs help that they may shy away thinking "he has enough on his plate". i hope that doesn't happen, i hope my friends can still feel like they can rely on me after this. not that i'm called on to do that much anymore, honestly. i'm not very connected to that group anymore, which i guess is the real problem.
i work the second shift at a litigation support firm (it's a fancy kinkos for lawyers.). my shift is from 3pm - 11pm, it is to say the least extraordinarily isolating. before i took the job i joked with my room-mate that it would be the last time i would see him. now don't get me wrong it's not like i don't interact with people. but to be fair to both me and them i will say that we do not share any interests. they're into celeb' gossip and Tyler Perry type programming and i'm, well, not. when they leave at around 5 -6. it's just me the rest of second shift mostly over 40, mostly immigrants. conversation is a struggle at but they're good people and i can't say that i haven't gained something for knowing them. even so it's still fairly lonely. it's like being a ghost, you can see things and sometimes people can see you but you never make any real connections... i don't have much stamina for writing, especially about myself. i guess i just wanted to get this of my chest. i've been squeaking it out here and there but i feel like to come to grips with how i've been feeling and make some changes i need to as Kevin Smith says "put it on front street.". i'm turning off the comments because mostly only my friends have my live journal and i already know/hope you wish me well and i'm not really looking for compliments or whatever. just writing to get some of this bile out of my system.
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