Dying takes a long time, I don't think enough people think about that. In movies, and media in general, dying takes a few minutes, seconds even. You say your goodbyes, whisper encouraging words to loved ones and off you go into the afterlife. In real life though dying takes days sometimes years; it's a long process and sometimes so slow you don't even know it's happening till you're near the end. My art is dying.
Yes, I know, very melodramatic but the fact is I am staring head long into a future where i don't draw or create anymore. And this next part is where this journal is going to fall apart a bit because I'm so distraught as i write this i'm bound to start gibbering. But I have to get this out of me and i don't have anyone to turn to. The job I've had for the last 5 years has been slowly separating me from drawing and creating because of it's high demand and sporadic pace and as a result i feel like i've fallen so far behind, everyone i know just seems to be so far ahead and so well studied and practiced and i just can't keep up. I just don't know what to do I'm so out of practice and I can't seem to catch up. I'm so sad and miserable and i just don't know what to do. I don't know, I know people mean well when they try to encourage you but in all honesty i wish someone would just tap me on the shoulder and tell me to call it quits; at least i could have a long cry, grieve, and move on with my mediocre life. I'm just so sad, and i don't know what to do. if i was younger i would just quit my job and move back in with my mom and draw and get what little skill i had back. but i'm old now i'm almost forty and as much as I fantasize about quitting I need a job, as it stands I'm the only one out of my two roommates that has a stable job, if i quit or can't get another we're all boned. I just don't know what to do, I don't know what to do. I love drawing but i can't find time and I'm no good at digital drawing, it makes my hand hurt and i can't get the hang of it, it's like drawing on ice, i can't do it. I don't think i have it in me I was always a mediocre artist but i tried to make up for it by studying composition and storytelling but I don't think that's enough anymore everyone's so amazingly talented and i just can't keep up. I don't know. I just hate everything right now, I hate myself and my life. I just don't know what to do. i wish i took drugs or had a drinking problem or something. yeah, that won't fix anything but at least it would be a solid distraction and then maybe people would understand how miserable i was, I don't know. everything is just horrible and i know people say that on the internet all the time but it doesn't stop it from feeling shitty. I don't know i just want to stop feeling shitty and inadequate, I want stop hating my life, I want to stop feeling sad and isolated, i want to stop feeling like a failure, i want someone to tell me what to do; what do i do!? I just so sad and alone right now and i want is for it to be over, i don't know.
I just don't know.
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