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Subject: I don't know
Time:01:22 am
Current Mood:sadsad
Dying takes a long time, I don't think enough people think about that. In movies, and media in general, dying takes a few minutes, seconds even. You say your goodbyes, whisper encouraging words to loved ones and off you go into the afterlife. In real life though dying takes days sometimes years; it's a long process and sometimes so slow you don't even know it's happening till you're near the end. My art is dying.

Yes, I know, very melodramatic but the fact is I am staring head long into a future where i don't draw or create anymore. And this next part is where this journal is going to fall apart a bit because I'm so distraught as i write this i'm bound to start gibbering. But I have to get this out of me and i don't have anyone to turn to. The job I've had for the last 5 years has been slowly separating me from drawing and creating because of it's high demand and sporadic pace and as a result i feel like i've fallen so far behind, everyone i know just seems to be so far ahead and so well studied and practiced and i just can't keep up. I just don't know what to do I'm so out of practice and I can't seem to catch up. I'm so sad and miserable and i just don't know what to do. I don't know, I know people mean well when they try to encourage you but in all honesty i wish someone would just tap me on the shoulder and tell me to call it quits; at least i could have a long cry, grieve, and move on with my mediocre life. I'm just so sad, and i don't know what to do. if i was younger i would just quit my job and move back in with my mom and draw and get what little skill i had back. but i'm old now i'm almost forty and as much as I fantasize about quitting I need a job, as it stands I'm the only one out of my two roommates that has a stable job, if i quit or can't get another we're all boned. I just don't know what to do, I don't know what to do. I love drawing but i can't find time and I'm no good at digital drawing, it makes my hand hurt and i can't get the hang of it, it's like drawing on ice, i can't do it. I don't think i have it in me I was always a mediocre artist but i tried to make up for it by studying composition and storytelling but I don't think that's enough anymore everyone's so amazingly talented and i just can't keep up. I don't know. I just hate everything right now, I hate myself and my life. I just don't know what to do. i wish i took drugs or had a drinking problem or something. yeah, that won't fix anything but at least it would be a solid distraction and then maybe people would understand how miserable i was, I don't know. everything is just horrible and i know people say that on the internet all the time but it doesn't stop it from feeling shitty. I don't know i just want to stop feeling shitty and inadequate, I want stop hating my life, I want to stop feeling sad and isolated, i want to stop feeling like a failure, i want someone to tell me what to do; what do i do!? I just so sad and alone right now and i want is for it to be over, i don't know.

I just don't know.
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Subject:daddy's little girl.
Time:06:29 am
Current Mood:anxiousanxious
 i haven't posted in a while and as a stark contrast to my last post i kind of want to gush a bit. i'm going to try to do so with out exposing to much, because if i've learned anything over the last few years it's to hold in you're work until it's almost ready. 

anyway i'm almost done with the script on book 3 i would have been done a lot sooner but the first draft i penned didn't play well and i really wanted to (of course). i've really enjoyed writing this one the cast is really coming together and a lot of really unexpected character development is happening. every book seems to be a test of some kind for me. book one was to see if i could draw a entire comic at all, book two was the challenge of writing a dialog only book, and now on book three i'm trying to see what a book would look like with out me holding anything back. all of my comics are pretty heavily edited. i end up cutting so much for the sake of page length and continuity and just sticking to the point. for example in book one stefan was originally going to have a fight with officer hardcastle to but i cut it because i felt it was distracting from the point of the story. and there was a skate boarding scene in book two that i cut because it was plain old unnecessary. 

well i'm not doing any of that in book 3 what ever i think of is going in the book, the way i see it i don't have publishers or dead lines so i might as well indulge myself. but anyway, i'm going to do two little gushes and then i'm done.

 - number one) this is a Nina heavy book and it's so much fun to script! i love this character, i love drawing her, i love how she talks, she's awesome to me!  it's so gauche and i'm sorry but i'm full to bursting and i don't have any one to really say it to so i'm just yelling it on the intarnets!

 - the second thing) thing isn't so much gushing as a funny thought. there's a scene in the book where some has to show her a website and when i was writing it i actually had them go to a library to get on the internet. as soon as i put that on paper i felt so old. in the age of smart phones the idea was kind of absurd and it made me chuckle. i'm surprised i didn't have them look something up on microfiche. :) 

well that's it really, just another post were i wanted to get something off my back. tone a lot better though right? it sucks though because i probably won't be done drawing till some time next month barring any craziness.

anyway have fun out there! 
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Subject:it is a journal after all
Time:12:53 am
Current Mood:melancholymelancholy
 i looked around the internet for the right word to encapsulate how i've been feeling for the past few months. i was originally under the impression that it was malaise, but it turns out that malaise is tied to physical illness. despondent was close but i don't think i'm there yet. turns out the word is melancholy, "a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression." or "the condition of having too much black bile, considered in ancient and medieval medicine to cause gloominess and depression." i like the second def'. i can picture myself, eyes at half mast as black ooze slowly pours out of my mouth like a lethargic zombie. but call it what ever you like i've been feeling pretty shitty for a pretty long time. it's honestly hard for me to write this, the thought that people will treat me with kid gloves, like i may break into tears or something bothers me. that, "hey, you all right?" is both endearing and some what upsetting. also i've always felt like my role in my particular group of friends is the console-r not the console-y. i would hate to think that if i know someone that needs help that they may shy away thinking "he has enough on his plate". i hope that doesn't happen, i hope my friends can still feel like they can rely on me after this. not that i'm called on to do that much anymore, honestly. i'm not very connected to that group anymore, which i guess is the real problem. 

i work the second shift at a litigation support firm (it's a fancy kinkos for lawyers.). my shift is from 3pm - 11pm, it is to say the least extraordinarily isolating. before i took the job i joked with my room-mate that it would be the last time i would see him. now don't get me wrong it's not like i don't interact with people. but to be fair to both me and them i will say that we do not share any interests. they're into celeb' gossip and Tyler Perry type programming and i'm, well, not. when they leave at around 5 -6. it's just me the rest of second shift mostly over 40, mostly immigrants. conversation is a struggle at but they're good people and i can't say that i haven't gained something for knowing them. even so it's still fairly lonely. it's like being a ghost, you can see things and sometimes people can see you but you never make any real connections... i don't have much stamina for writing, especially about myself. i guess i just wanted to get this of my chest. i've been squeaking it out here and there but i feel like to come to grips with how i've been feeling and make some changes i need to as Kevin Smith says "put it on front street.".  i'm turning off the comments because mostly only my friends have my live journal and i already know/hope you wish me well and i'm not really looking for compliments or whatever. just writing to get some of this bile out of my system.
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Subject:shame on you Gail Simone!
Time:02:25 am
Current Mood:annoyedannoyed
 just got finished watching the Wonder Woman movie, it was the worst thing i've watched all year. it was like getting fucking tasered. trite and boring thing, it was an overall waste everything you can think of. (seriously, think of something and i guaranty the wonder woman movie wasted it.) the Wonder Woman movie was the final straw in my tolerance of super heroines. i have a rant about that but i'm to angry right now to form a coherent thought.

anger and soapbox standing to come. 
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Subject:LaBoof!!
Time:06:24 am
 i'm up again so i figure i'll blog for a bit. just updated my art blog been trying to keep that up and doing an ok job on it so far. don't know how well i'll be doing when i start drawing book 3 in a couple of days but for now it's fun to just draw for the fuck of it.  yeah book tree is finally falling into place a hit a small writing crisis on my first draft but hit my stride and i really got it now, which is awesome! 

so i watched two Shia LaBeouf movies that i have never seen in a row tonight, "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" and "Eagle Eye". now Eagle Eye was pretty watchable the plot was a bit contrived (pretty much "Sky-net: Year One"). but it was exciting, especially in the final half when everyone gets on the same page and make separate efforts to take down sky-net Jr. however, it did have a very political narrative that came off heavy handed and there was this tacked on "romance" between "LaBoof" and his occasionally attractive female lead Michelle Lynn Monaghan. but other than that it was pretty ok. (3 out of 5 stars = Watchable) Crystal skull on the other hand to coin my roommates phrase was a hot mess.

the funny thing about  "the Crystal Skull" was i went into the movie knowing about the aliens that show up at the end. so i felt fairly prepared, i mean the way people tell it the movie coasts along fine until that. but aliens were the least of that movies problems. from stem to stern as soon as "LaBoof" shows up the movie stops making sense. LaBoof drives onto the train platform on his greaser motorcycle to get Indi (yes, he is some how allowed to drive a motorcycle onto a train's boarding platform.). they have him dressed up like a James Dean type which confuses me because i didn't know Shia LaBoof supposed to be awesome. he comes off as a scrawny 17-year-old dork to me. but whatever, he knows a guy that Indi' knows, and if Indi' doesn't help him the guy they both know will die. that much i get, but after he hands Indi' the notebook/map or whatever that belongs to the guy they both know; and LaBoof travels half way round the world fighting murderous Russians to get to him. wouldn't i be great if we found out the connection between LaBoof and the guy? i mean, it stands to reason, right?  but no, when Indi and LaBoof get alone time what do they talk about? that LaBoof didn't finish school, and how his mom is always hassling him. no reminiscing about poor old Dr. Whoever that i'm risking my life to save. and then we finally get to the guy and who shows up? LaBoof's mom, Marion Ravenwood from raiders of the lost ark! at this point the flick completely abandons the poor old Dr. Whoever storyline in favor of this "getting to know you dad" moment. it doesn't make any sense! if you weren't going to deal with the guy why even bother writing him in? would have be just as easy to replace Dr. Whoever with Ravenwood. i mean at the end of the day all your looking for is motivation for Indi' and La Boof  to rescue someone. and by making it the mom your plot stays focused. 

but pretty much that's how that movie rolls. through out it's entirety it invents plot lines and then conveniently moves on to others like a kid that plays with toy for 2 minutes gets board and throw it away for something shinier. which is really disappointing because it had a lot of promise. but thats my opinion (2 out of 5 = unwatchable)

p.s.: is it just me or does LaBeouf play the same "tough" new york street kid in every movie? i don't know, if it's just me i apologize, but i find him so unbelievable as tough guy. it's like i'm watching Adam Sandler in "the Zohan". :)
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Subject:MIDNIGHT RAMBLER
Time:04:19 am
Current Mood:blahblah
 can't sleep so i guess i'll blog for a bit. i was going through some of my old art work, like you do from time to time. and while a lot of it was wince worthy some of it was pretty good. especially the work i did for a group i was in called Deadline Society. 

a bit of back story, back before social networking was all the rage on the 'puter i was in a group of about 6 -7 artists. we called ourselves the Deadline Society. we met every 2 weeks (month?) with the purpose of getting used to drawing more frequently and make monthly "deadlines". it's kind of  passé but back in those days adhering to a monthly dead line was a big deal, or at least seemed like it. so i created an 8 or so page submission for every meeting. so, like i said i was digging around in some older work and i found all my "DS" submissions and, though i say so myself, they were really good. good enough in fact that wanted to post some of them on my blog! there is, however, a thing or two stopping me from doing that. 

the first and most important thing being that the story i was telling in those submissions is unfinished. so i would have to finish the story to feel comfortable posting them. this wouldn't be a big deal but all those pages were done when i was big into anime; and the fact of the matter is i just don't draw like that anymore and don't really want to. so there's that. the second thing is that the finished pages are all line work. don't get me wrong it's all inked, i just don't know how i feel about putting up a comic page that's not colored or toned or anything. i mean of course i could color/tone them but i don't really want to.

so at the end of the day i have this unfinished thing that i want to show people. but i'm not really invested in working on it to the point were its "truly" presentable in my eyes... i don't know maybe i will and maybe i won't, if i can finally get some sleep i'll see how i feel in the morning.
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Subject:A smurfing long post
Time:01:12 pm
Current Mood:blahblah


 i was watching Conan the other night and his guest brought up the new Smurfs movie ( as he was in it.) and it set me to thinking about them and when ever i think about the smurf a certain group of Smurf comes to mind:


can i tell you that when i was a child this episode scared the crap out of me! essentially what you have is a zombie story in the smurf universe. now when i watch it all i see is the limited animation of the time. in the original French incarnation of this story the fly was black thus turning them into Les Schtroumpfs Noirs

making them like 3x more frightening and in this day and age probably 7x more offensive. the amazing thing is how true to the original the cartoon stays. the cartoon is almost a panel by panel copy of the French book. well actually there was another small change, Smurfette.

while i was googling around i found out that Smurfette was not really a resident of the smurf village, rather, as a creation of Gargamel she kind of just popped in and out. it wasn't until the animated series that she became a permanent resident. her story is pretty F'd up actually (you know to a grown-ups mind). when Gargamel first created Smurfette she had tatty black and her features were to close to what a male smurf looked like. so sequential the smurfs didn't think she was hot thus spoiling Gargamel's plan to use her to cause chaos in the smurf village. Because of all the rejection she was experiencing Papa Smurf took pity on her and changed her appearance to what most people are familiar with.

Of coarse after that she was able to be a complete bitch to everyone causing the smurfs to fight over her. to paraphrase at some point she tries to flood the village, they catch her in the act and hold a trial for her. But she's to hot at this point for anyone to find her guilty. she says she feels sorry for what she did but Papa Smurf just F'n kicks her out of the village because she's causing to much trouble. after that she becomes a "special guest" of sorts randomly appearing for whatever reason.

the best part is at the end of the French book the Smurfs make a ugly human lady and sends it to Gargamels house as revenge. The Smurfette story was animated as well and like the Purple Smurfs episode they stayed pretty close to the original the only differences were the trial was held while Smurfette was still "ugly" and instead of Papa Smurf taking pity on her ugliness he changed her appearance because she said she wanted to, "be a real Smurf".

Despite all that it was pretty amazing to me how true they stayed to the subject matter. especially in light of today and how we kind of hack up stories to "adapt" them for television. I'm looking at you fox kids!
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Subject:Pain x 3
Time:02:03 pm


Hell Yeah, hunting seasons almost back!!
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Subject:SPX CAST AWAY?
Time:03:35 am
Current Mood:scaredscared
 spx map - so you can come buy stuff from me. :)ok so SPX is in week and a half. i have had my "it's almost time!" freak out and now i'm into the i can't deal with anything but this con mode. (which is making it hard for me to keep up with my duties at sparkflow.) i'm trying to focus on the big picture, i need to be as prepared for spx as possible. i'm still super nervous though. but in a focused way, like i guy trapped on a deserted island and the only thing keeping him working to get off is his fear of being stranded there forever. so yeah i've finished book two and reordered copies of book one i'm putting together a small "ash can" to sell for like a buck. i wanted to make buttons but i missed the dead line. i got about 50 post card coming with the website information and i'm working on updating that as well. i still have a lot to do though. i wish i had more internet buzz but as anyone who has been to any of my web locations can tell you i'm  terrible at updating. (something i'm really working on, promise). i could say it's because dont have time or i work full time and draw two comics but the truth is i'm just not a blogger, i don't think i do anything interesting enough to post about really...meh. (but like i said,"i'm working on it".) 

still pretty scared though, but i figure if most of my friends come and buy a book it wont be a big waste of time and money and i wont have to cry. 

hopefully appearing in comic book stores soonSo this is the post card design i went with. i had one with Nina, Deon, and Danny on it but i thought that might be confusing since none of the books that are out have them in it really (i'm not counting the "ash can"). i'm not one to toot my own horn really but i like the way it came out. it was really gratifying to draw a thing and be finished in the same day. also, i love Stefan (the guy on the right if you haven't read book one) in this i feel like i got that roguish look down in this shot. also i went with happy Tyler (little black boy on the left). which if you've read book one doesn't make a lot of sense but whatever. :P  that's it for my gushing. 

book two is done and i'm waiting to get my copies, hope people can sit though all the talking to get to the action of book three. which i'm writing right now. well it's late and i got to get to bed i have to get up tomorrow and color the the front page to Sanctuary Schools web site.

-Laters- 
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Subject:LONG HARD ROAD TO NOWHERE
Time:05:39 am
Current Mood:optimisticoptimistic
well, it's been a millennium in journal time since i posted anything. it clichéd to say  a lots been going on but it's true. lets go down the list categorically.

drawing / comics:
- my book was delayed after a series of unfortunate events.
- i lost my inker due to personal problems. he was having some social issues so he fled to New York city for a fresh start. inconvenient but understandable. 
-  my computer died, fortunately i've been expecting that so all my files and pages were well backed up. even more fortunately, my boss was able to give me a newer computer, and i was able to get another copy of Photoshop from a friend of mine. i'm still not completely up and running but i'm at a place where i can move forward.
- i started doing freelance work. small time for now, just testing the waters really. i drawing for a web comic P.C.&P. it's an interesting experience with its good and bad points of course. good points: i get paid! and it's pretty easy so far ( i've only done 2 pages ). bad points: since its not my comic i naturally don't get as much input as i like, and you have to interpret instructions that are some times very vague. i've never done con commissions before but imagine the experience is similar. the writer / patron has an idea in there head that makes complete since to them, but in the excitement of explaining it to you a lot of crucial detail is lost. but like i said i get paid so you know.
- i'm still plugging away on book two. can't say at this point when i'll be done. its frustrating. and i'm not going to get into a pity party because frankly i don't really deserve one. but i've learned a lot of lessons that should make book 3 less frustrating for all involved.

gaming:
- the gaming landscape is dramatically changing for me.
- been playing a lot of Monster Hunter Tri in my down time between drawings. impressions: the game is not terrible, but swimming is,  and its to short. in short ok but not as good as Monster Hunter Freedom Unite. been using the great sword in Tri a lot as opposed to the bow that i rep'd in Freedom. the main difference is simplicity i really don't have to think much about anything. it's all: hit that monster in the head, now move! oh, it's dead now? as opposed to playing underwater which goes like: hit that monster in the head! FUCK!! i can't- where the hell! damnit! where is he, where is he?! FUCK!!! move, move, move, DAMNIT!!!! see the difference?
- i also realized that my days of console gaming are just about over. i know it does sound like it but i just don't have the desire to sit in front of my TV for hours on end. monster hunter's 60 min hunts are about he the limit for me these days. this revelation is huge for me, i was brought up in the era of Japanese RPGs you don't get more vegetative than that! but anyway sub-sequentially i've been looking forward to games coming out on handhelds, something i can play on a train on the way to and from work so i can get my fix and be done. 

crap! it's 6 am better gets some winks
-laters-
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[icon] And Other Flightless Birds
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